The Break Up

I am no stranger to relationships coming to an end. I have had my fair share of good-byes through the years, but nothing could have prepared me for the extreme discomfort and the emotional upheaval, this break-up would cause me. I never anticipated the depth of feelings I would experience.

Ours had been THE most beautiful and complete relationship I ever had. There was a level of trust and comfort that existed between us, unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I always felt safe and protected in our times together. I felt nurtured and cared for beyond what my Mom and Dad were able to give me as a little boy. 

My source for comfort during the sad times. My reason to celebrate during the best of times. My constant companion for life. THE love of my life.

But something was not right anymore. My friends were alarmed, they were telling me I was not looking good. I had lost my mojo. They were serious and insisting I'd change. I had to go through with the break up in spite of how I was feeling. There was no turning back this time.

The morning I made up my mind to finally break up, I woke up and went straight to the gym. I hated  going to the gym. I felt weak and sluggish.  Everything and everyone bothered me. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. All I can do was think about us as I tried to run on the treadmill.
I had to go through with it though.

The rest of my day was not much better but I got by. I talked to my closest friends who were all very encouraging and supportive. They praised me on the decision to start my day with exercise. They all believed it was the best way to get over this. They were my cheerleaders on the sidelines who believed in me more that I believed in myself. I knew I had a support system in place so I went on with my plan.

Coming home later that night was not pleasant. I felt weak. I cried. My dinner consisted of grilled chicken breast and asparagus with two glasses of water. After dinner I plopped on the couch restless and sad. I tried to watch TV but everything I saw reminded me of how it used to be for us. I thought maybe if I go to bed and try to sleep I won't think about it and tomorrow when I wake up I will feel better. So I went to bed

I passed out fairly quickly, after all I barely had anything to eat all day. Then it happened.

It was around 2:30 in the morning when I suddenly woke up and felt as if I was possessed by a demon. It wanted me out of bed and with my beloved. I resisted as much as I could by putting the pillow over my head, tossing and turning, counting sheep, praying, But nothing.

I finally got out of bed with the intention of going to the kitchen for a glass of water, but I knew then I was walking into the lion's den. There was a secret thrill I was feeling even though, I knew this was going to be the worst thing I could do for myself. But I didn't care. I wanted what I wanted and I needed the love of my life.

The last couple of steps were more like quick little hops. Once I got in the kitchen I did not even bother to turn the light on. There it was! I could see it clearly in the dark of night. My GE stainless steel refrigerator was beaming bright as if it was fully lit by a spotlight. I leaped to it and open the door. The freezer door open and it was as if I was hearing the sweet music of angels softly playing the harp in heaven.  There, sitting stoically as if it had been waiting for my return all along; was my Trader Joe's Ultra Chocolate ice cream. My sweet beloved!

Aaaahhhhhhh!!!! 

I grabbed a spoon, pulled the top off and started eating it right there in the almost darkness, with just the refrigerator light illuminating us. A moment sublime!

Aaaaahhhh!!!!
Chocolate ice cream at last. Love love love love. This is real love!

I don't care about my weight and my love handles, I don't care about my Cholesterol. I don't care that I am now wearing a size 34 pant and cannot wear fitted shirts anymore. I don't care!
I need my ice cream and I vow to never even consider breaking up again. Never!

Well, that beautiful moment of bliss was short lived. 

The next morning I woke up remorseful, angry, frustrated, constipated AND bloated. Once again I promised never to do this again. I woke up determined to go to the gym and start all over. This time would be it. I was breaking up for good this time. Never again.

But never again lasted only til midnight.

Help!